Wednesday, April 8, 2020

It's the End of the World as We Know It...

I have borrowed trouble since I was a young child.  Fretting about things that never come to pass. Anxiety, worry, irrational fear are as routine for me as brushing my teeth.  It's just the way I am made.

Living in that space keeps you serious. Like an officer on duty I walk a razors edge of what if.  But on March 16th everything changed.

The "what if" became a "what now" and life as we knew it came to a screeching halt.  School, Sports, Shopping - Cancelled.  Churches closed.  Assemblies un-assembled.  Socially distant was the new norm.

I blew it off at first.  Rolling my eyes as I rubbed elbows instead of embracing a dear old friend.  I broke the rules and hosted sleepovers.  I treated it as a vacation.

"Coronacation" changed me.

It was small shift, almost imperceptible to those around me.  It was my own lack of panic that I noticed first.  The proverbial "other shoe" has finally dropped and I am steady.  I have been waiting for this!"   It's the end of the world as we know it...and I feel fine.

I have been thrust directly into the present.  Living each day as it comes.  The tomorrows are on pause.  Unknown as far as the eye can see.  No more planning, no more guarantees.

Truthfully it is terrifying at times.  When the new reality set in I cried for the loss of  carefree days I didn't get to enjoy.  So engulfed in my worry, missing out on moments.  I failed to be truly present, waiting for a sucker punch that never came.

But here I am daring to look at the present and see it for what it really is.

Connected.  Connected to the kids, to my husband, to what we have created.  Connected to the idea of the six of us as a family unit - almost literally on an island.  Connected to a community of co-workers and fellow countrymen.

The world has turned upside down and I am perfectly calm.  Isn't it ironic?

Here on my island life is pretty damn good.  A nap with youngest, sneaking in snuggles with all that will allow it.  Staying up late talking to the big ones about their dreams and goals.  Spending quality hours of time with my love.  Even work is challenging and stimulating in a way that it has not been in a long time.

There is safety in the space where I used to live.  Comfort in knowing if you always expect something bad, you will never be caught off guard.  Unfortunately that isn't true.

The future is uncertain in every way.  It always was.

Nobody can predict what happens next.  There will be tough times ahead.  There will be loss and pain and grief.  It's coming whether you worry or not and that knowledge has given me the freedom to invest in the now...and faith enough not to worry about it.

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