The Worst.

I stand in my closet.  I stare at the assortment of clothes.  Long sleeve, short sleeve, sweaters, cardigans, pants, skirts, capris.  And nothing, not one thing fits. 

I remember a girl who used to fit in all of it.  A girl who was too small for most of it.  A girl who used to complain that she was "fat."

I'd like to smack her.

This is the worst way to start a day.  Staring at so many clothes, and knowing that the only thing that fits is the jewelry. 

I wonder what it is that happens everyday between the agony of the closet drill and the late afternoon binge that allows me to forget how HORRIBLE I feel as I stand in my closet.

I don't understand the disconnect.  I am an intelligent person who is knowledgeable about food, calories, exercise and nutrition.  Yet there I am, again and again, standing in front of the food pantry at 4 pm - shoveling empty calories into my gullet.  And there I am, standing in my closet, on the verge of tears knowing that nothing will fit. 

Why can't I break this cycle?