Dancing with Myself

In the absence of my writing and my photos, I have found myself truly living my life.  Up to my ears in the sounds, the smells, the flavors of my life.  I haven't been thinking or even feeling, just living. 

It is an odd experience for me.  I have never been here before.

I have always distanced myself from others.  I give the illusion of being open, but really I am far away, an unknown, almost unreachable.

On a crowded dance floor a million years ago while on Spring Break in Jamaica, I found my way to the top of a stone table.  A sturdy table with room for only one to dance comfortably.  All around me in the open air dance club, built into the side a mountain, bodies writhed and gyrated to the music moving in unison.  Skin on skin, fueled by alcohol and the inhibitions that come from being 22 and on Spring Break.  The stone table was on the edge of the dance floor and while it was likely assumed that this was a ploy for attention, I knew then, as I know now, what I truly wanted was my own space. 

I love to dance.  I love the freedom of movement that I feel when dancing but in an open air dance club in Jamaica, nobody dances alone.  Except me, on top of my table.  Using my the toe of my sandled shoe to guide away any who dared to climb up to join me. 

I think about that stone table so often now.  About the freedom that I felt on that table.  Free to really let go, to express myself in the movement of the music without the danger of anyone coming close.  I loved that table.  I loved that moment. 

I have traded my dancing shoes for much more practical black flats and the table I have traded for my camera, but the premise is the same.  I am present.  I am fueled by the energy around me but free from the fear of having to interact with others. 

Behind the lens of the camera, the relationship is between me and the light.  How far I zoom, where I focus, the decisions are mine.  No one else to consult with, just my own feeling, my own idea. 

I have found safety, security, serenity behind the lens of a camera, behind the keyboard of a laptop.  I didn't do this knowingly but I did it nonetheless. 

And so it is with my camera down, my laptop tucked away in my work bag that I am here in the thick of my life. 

And I love it.