The Anatomy of a Kiss

The Monkey-Maker is not a fan of public displays of affection.  Ever. 

Even after eight years and 3.5 children I still have to remind him that a high five is NOT an acceptable way to greet your spouse. 

This being said he will occasionally plant one on me when I least expect it, as was the case when he came home from work to find me emptying the dishwasher in our kitchen that I had cleaned and disinfected.  It really flips his switch when I show my "domestic" side. 

Anyway, he embraced me quite dramatically and kissed me passionately.  It was lovely. 

That is until, one very inquisitive, slightly jealous Mini-Monkey pulled over a stool and jumped up to our level to investigate. 

She closed in on our faces and cocked her head to the side curiously. 

Kill the mood much, kid? 

Obviously, the spell had been broken. The Monkey-Maker stopped the steamy smooch and exited stage left with a fist-bump and a smile.  And that was that.

Or so we thought.

And then a few days later Mini-Monkey planted a "french-style" kiss on the side of my face. 

"What was that?!??!!" I exclaimed jumping back in surprise.

"I kisseded you."  She said simply and continued on her merry way. 

I sat for a moment in disbelief and tried to figure out the best way to handle this "situation."  I knew that I couldn't let it slide and so I followed her to her room and sat as she went about serving tea to her "friends." 

I approached the topic delicately and explained casually that little girls should only kiss people "nicely," and then demonstrated a quick kiss on a nearby stuffed turtle as he enjoyed a spot of tea. 

She giggled and we practiced "nice kisses" for a few minutes and that was that...

Problem solved, crisis averted.

Monkey-Maker and I congratulated ourselves on a parenting job well done and carried on with our day. 

After hours and hours of family friendly activities, we finally collapsed on the sofa and settled in to enjoy some well deserved "tube time." 

We flipped on the TV just in time to catch one of our favorite re-run sitcoms.  Perfect.  We vegged for approximately 33 seconds before one character embraced another in a FULL on FRENCH FEST.  I barely had time to register what was happening before glancing to my right to see Mini-Monkey "engaged" with a Dora book, giving it a passionate kiss. 

Oh shit.

Flip the channel.  Have the talk.  Try again.

We were just about to breathe a sigh of relief during a commercial break when a movie trailer took a romantic turn and showed yet another lustful lip lock, this time featuring two ladies. 

OH. MY. GOD.

We can never watch TV again. 

Mini-Monkey looked up at me expectantly, waiting for the explanation that she KNEW was coming.  I could read her mind.  "Why can those 'gulls' kiss like that but I can't?" 

I could see the logic unfolding in her mind.  I remember struggling with the concept myself one hundred years ago in my own youth.  If you use a kiss to show a person that you love them, then wouldn't a BIG KISS show a person that you love them so much more? 

I took a deep breath and launched into an kid-friendly explanation of why grown ups "french kiss."  I added some politically correct side notes about the gay rights agenda and closed with a "do you have any questions?" 

"Can I have some fruit snacks?" 

Yes.  Yes, for the LOVE OF GOD, you may.

And then I set parental locks on every TV in my house.

I am not naive enough to think that this is the last time we will address this issue but I am hopeful that it is the last time I will address it today.